I suppose I'm the motherly sort.

I didn't think it would be this hard to move away from them, or leave when I come home for a visit. It's beginning to dawn on me that I often feel like they are my children. I want to move away from home, have an adventure and do my own thing for a while. However, they're making this very difficult for me. I almost want to blame my sister for bringing them all into our house and making me to attached to them. I think about leaving them and I just start sobbing. It's bad.

Nerves

So I'm currently at pre-service orientation and I'm started to get really scared about leaving everyone. I started thinking about the kids and the cats, as ridiculous as it sounds. Then my dad left me a message saying that he hoped I had a time. It really touched me. My dad doesn't talk to me like that. I almost started crying thinking about the cats and kids missing me and my dad actually caring about me.

I didn't think it would be this hard. I don't want it to be this hard. Yet at the same time I'm so excited about this opportunity. I'm excited to "do good" in the world and have roommates that I really get along with. I wish it were easy.

I'm having fun here in Phillidelphia, but I can't stop thinking about home and what I'll be leaving. I know Alex and Dominick will be asking: "where's Kelly?" I hate that thought.

Right now I'm tipsy in Phillidelphia with some amazing people. I should be happy.

Ugh...adulthood

Okay. I need to calm down. Money, math and calculations certainly aren't me strong suit, so this whole situation is driving me bonkers (nice word choice eh?).

Well, I'm moving to Vermont in a few weeks and NEED an apartment. We only have four days to get all our money and the signed lease to our landlord. While I live in Connecticut, another roommate lives in Vermont, another in North Carolina and one lives in Illinois. If we don't get all that stuff in, we are out on our asses. But I think it will all work out...

I'm excited to move away, live on my own again, hopefully make new friends and finally get involved in non-profit work. But, I'm also terrified. What if I don't like Vermont? What if I don't get along with my roommates? What if I don't like my job? I'll be there a whole year, 3 1/2 hours away.

I suppose I'm most nervous about leaving the comfort of home and being "stuck" in this place with people that at this moment, I'm not 100% sure I will get along with. It seems to be going smoothly so far.

Let's try this again...

I've tried to do this whole blog thing plenty of times, but for some reason I also abandon the idea. I used to LOVE writing in my diary. I remember when something would happen during the day I would say to myself: "I'm going to write in my diary about this tonight." That sounds kind of creepy and pathetic doesn't?

That was a very different time, and I was a very different  person. My diary: this little notebook which I had to replace every year or so, was truly my best friend. Honestly, people terrified me. And I was soo awkward. I still am. I would talk back then and it would just be full of mumbling, stammering and the lisp. Oh, and I was fat. That sucked too.

So I've been watching some unrealistic teenage dramas lately, one in particular about a a girl who gets picked on and always ignored at her high school, even though she's really hot and for some reason people pretend she's not. Anyways, the popular guy likes her and it's apparently the most shocking thing that has ever happened.

So I began to think: what if I had done everything different in high school? What if I hadn't been so afraid of everything, hadn't been depressed and had the social skills I have now. What if I had gotten the right acne medications, plucked my eyebrows, worn makeup, ate healthy and worked out. I might have been able to get a boyfriend, had more friends, been invited to more parties and talked back to the assholes who gave me a hard time.

High school would have sucked a whole lot less. I began to wonder, what if I had gotten an opportunity to get with my crush: a tall skinny, goofy jock who (on occasion) was one of those assholes who gave me a hard time. I stayed up at night thinking about this guy, could feel my heart race when he looked at me and started to sweat if he ever talked to me. It was bad. I liked him for almost 8 years! That's ridiculous.

I'm now at least 40lbs lighter than I was in high school and I'm just all around better than I was. I've thought about reaching out to this crush of mine. I've heard a rumor that he's practically engaged...but still. I wonder what, if anything could happen. It's a silly thought, and I can clearly see myself reverting to my pushover high school self. But I can't help but wonder.