Let's try this again...

I've tried to do this whole blog thing plenty of times, but for some reason I also abandon the idea. I used to LOVE writing in my diary. I remember when something would happen during the day I would say to myself: "I'm going to write in my diary about this tonight." That sounds kind of creepy and pathetic doesn't?

That was a very different time, and I was a very different  person. My diary: this little notebook which I had to replace every year or so, was truly my best friend. Honestly, people terrified me. And I was soo awkward. I still am. I would talk back then and it would just be full of mumbling, stammering and the lisp. Oh, and I was fat. That sucked too.

So I've been watching some unrealistic teenage dramas lately, one in particular about a a girl who gets picked on and always ignored at her high school, even though she's really hot and for some reason people pretend she's not. Anyways, the popular guy likes her and it's apparently the most shocking thing that has ever happened.

So I began to think: what if I had done everything different in high school? What if I hadn't been so afraid of everything, hadn't been depressed and had the social skills I have now. What if I had gotten the right acne medications, plucked my eyebrows, worn makeup, ate healthy and worked out. I might have been able to get a boyfriend, had more friends, been invited to more parties and talked back to the assholes who gave me a hard time.

High school would have sucked a whole lot less. I began to wonder, what if I had gotten an opportunity to get with my crush: a tall skinny, goofy jock who (on occasion) was one of those assholes who gave me a hard time. I stayed up at night thinking about this guy, could feel my heart race when he looked at me and started to sweat if he ever talked to me. It was bad. I liked him for almost 8 years! That's ridiculous.

I'm now at least 40lbs lighter than I was in high school and I'm just all around better than I was. I've thought about reaching out to this crush of mine. I've heard a rumor that he's practically engaged...but still. I wonder what, if anything could happen. It's a silly thought, and I can clearly see myself reverting to my pushover high school self. But I can't help but wonder.